Transcript:
Why are you becoming an Ambassador for ADHD UK?
Made me want to become an advocate is the experience I’ve had with school and my daughter being at school. I think I expected that after my daughter had a diagnosis that school would know what to do, and would be able to support her, but it’s been quite challenging actually. And I think having spoken to various people that have experienced the same, it’s similar for them. Obviously some schools are better than others, but it’s just around their lack of understanding of ADHD and the support that has been there has been quite minimal. So it’s been a bit of a battle and I just felt like if I could affect any kind of change in any way that that’s something that I’d like to do. So for me, it’s around schooling and their understanding of ADHD and what it means for each child, because I suspect that it’s not just my daughter that is having to go through these challenges. It’s, you know, there’ll be other children in her position. And if I can change that in any way, then I think that’s what I’d like to do.
Tell us about your daughter’s diagnosis journey.
We got her diagnosed or got diagnosed for her about four months ago. We’d always. Well, I had always suspected that there was something more going on for her, but I was never really sure. I think when she was younger, from the time that she was at preschool, she, I would be told that she couldn’t sit on the mat or she couldn’t concentrate on one thing. She’d be, you know, fitting from one thing to the other. And that I just thought, okay, her age, she was only two and a half, three at that age. And during school, we had very little information about any sort of concerns about ADHD or those kinds of behaviours. And then last year things started to get more challenging for her and she became more unhappy. And things became quite difficult at school. And I, at that point, I talked to my husband who also has ADHD about getting her an assessment. Unfortunately, the three-year wait list would be too much and it was at the point of school where I felt like we needed to do something now. So we did it privately and got her assessed.
She was diagnosed there and then, after they had gone through a panel actually. And then we went to school and gave them her report and expected that things will change, things will be put in place. But it’s taken quite a long time and we’re still not there. We’ve still got challenges. When she completed the assessment and she was given her diagnosis, it was almost like a sense of relief for her. She was really happy for the whole weekend. You know, very hyper and happy and happy to share that with my husband and talk about it. And then the next week, she began to get more, sad about it, I guess, because the realization that she had something different to have friends was setting in. And now she doesn’t like the fact that she’s got ADHD and she doesn’t want to share that with any of her family or her sibling, her sister even.
So I think it’s a struggle and I think a lot of it is that she feels because things have been so difficult at school that it’s not a good thing to have and it’s, it’s making her life difficult. So we’re working on that at the moment. And trying to help us see ADHD is a positive thing as much as possible. And that we’ve talked about different celebrities that have it and all the good things we’ve looked at different books. So she’s coming to terms with the fact that she’s got this diagnosis, and we’ll just keep kind of working on the positives of it. Until she feels that she’s able to share it. She has shared it with a couple of friends at school that she really trusts. And they’re fine. But she doesn’t want it to go any further than that at the moment.
What would you like to tell people generally about ADHD?
I think I just would, one of the things I think about a lot is there’s so much negativity around it. Most of that comes from school. At home, she can be who she wants to be. And there are times where she is challenging. But I just want people to see how all the good things about her, you know, the kindness that she shows, the empathy, the enthusiasm for life, and, and, you know, that endless energy. She’s always wanting to do something and create something. And I just would like people to kind of understand that side of it and not see it as a badly behaved child or that, you know, she’s hyper and that’s a bad thing, it’s, it’s not, there are obviously times where she needs to try and control that. But yeah, it’s just for people to have a better understanding of it really, and see the positives of it.
What would you like to tell your daughter’s school about ADHD?
I think the one thing that I’m constantly feeling is that I wish they would not tell her what she’s doing wrong. But ask her how she’s feeling, because I think if, if they could understand a bit more about why she’s doing some of the things that she’s doing, it stops her from feeling this anxiety when they’re saying, “Mia stop doing this”. Or you know, “Sit still or stop talking or interrupting.” And actually, often these things, these behaviours are because of how she’s feeling. We had an incident just before. She broke up for the school holidays, where she had climbed onto a locker, and I said to her, “Why, why did you climb up there?”. And she said, “I wanted to be on my own”. So often she will find small spaces to be in, or just she’s got a cupboard under the stairs that she likes to go in sometimes if she wants to kind of just regulate. And the teacher had asked her to get down and she wouldn’t get down, and they’d ask her a couple of times and it ended in them saying to her, get down your ignorant child. And one of the teachers said to her, “I used to enjoy teaching you. Now you’re not a very nice child”. And it’s that lack of understanding, I think, and lack of empathy on that teacher’s part has led to that.
So for me, I I just would really appreciate them going and just educating themselves about ADHD and, and the kinds of things that children are feeling and why they’re doing certain things so that they can be a bit more empathetic. And just a simple question like, how are you feeling, what’s going on for you, could actually help to regulate her and help her to feel that they’re on. They’re there for her and they’re there to support her. They’re not there to tell her off all the time because I think she’s had that over the years so much that this is why she’s feeling so low and her self-esteem is so low. So yes, if yeah, it’s more about education, I think at school.
What would you like to tell the NHS about ADHD?
Obviously, the wait list is is so long at the moment. That’s I think that’s a really difficult thing. So that would be a problem that really needs solving, but that’s a dream, I think. I think I’m not, you know, I’m not even, I’m not sure. I think there would need to be more support out there for once you’ve been diagnosed, because you often get a diagnosis and then you’re sort of left to your own devices, and there doesn’t seem to be anything else out there to support the family, because I think it’s, it’s not just the individual, it’s not just the child or the person, it’s the whole family, because you can all have such an impact on that person, if you’ve got an understanding and some guidance, because it it doesn’t come naturally. I’ve had to really change the way I parent, and be so much more mindful of what me is going through. And it’s not, it’s not an easy transition. It’s not, you just wake up one day and then you’re a great parent. I’m a great parent and I’m always kind of learning. I’m always looking at research and listening to podcasts and, but to have, even if it was just a couple of sessions with somebody to explain what ADHD is, how you as a parent can help, and, and more information about it really. So I think that’s probably the main thing is just the additional support out there. Once you’ve been diagnosed.
What would you like to tell your friends about ADHD?
Yeah, I guess my friends as well. I’ve got some really good friends that are understanding, but I’ve, I’ve explained to them and told them about ADHD and and some of the challenges and what ADHD is, I think that’s what I’ve I’ve, I’ve done. I’ve explained to them what ADHD is and, and then it explains Mia and some of the way she feels and some of the way she behaves. And there, it, it means that they’re much more understanding and supportive of it. I think that’s really, particularly if when my daughter, it plays with friends that, and I’m friends with the parents, I think it’s to be open and honest, so that they are understanding of her as well.
What would you like to tell your parents about ADHD?
Yeah. It’s the same way with telling anyone that is comes into contact with anyone with ADHD is just, just be more tolerant, just be a bit more understanding because, you know, everyone’s got a story and if you’re just, if we’re just a bit more tolerant of people anyway, it helps those that have additional needs to feel more accepted. So I think for me, sharing Mia’s diagnosis with my close friends and trusted friends and other parents actually has really helped because when Mia was struggling at school and having challenges, there’s been challenges for her, and children obviously talk to their parents. So I’ve, I’ve felt that I needed to speak to them and be honest with them about her diagnosis and also what it means for her. And actually, then they can be a bit more accepting of what’s going on for her. And then her friends can be a bit more accepting of what’s going on and a bit more patient and understanding.
If you could have a magic wand, would you entirely remove your daughter’s ADHD?
I think, I wouldn’t remove it. Because I think there are some great things about having it that I wish I had sometimes. You know, she’s with this, the energy she’s got, and always exploring and being curious and wanting to try things is a great thing to have. And actually having the motivation to do it. I would, it’s difficult to say to remove it cause it, it would, it would change who she is. I wish that she was a bit happier. That’s the only thing that I would say that, it does cause her upset. And it’s, and it does cause her to feel insecure, have low confidence, anxious. So I think if I could help her to, to, to not feel like that I think that’s the only thing that I would say that I would remove, if I could.
Tell us about one of your favourite ADHD strategies.
It’s all been a learning curve, so we’re still learning what works and what doesn’t. I think she, as I said before, she quite likes small spaces. So, particularly when she goes to bed, we’ve found her in so many different places- in cupboards, under the desk, on the floor. We understood that she quite likes as a comfort thing. She likes to be enclosed or have, you know, been small spaces. So she’s, we’ve emptied out the cupboard under the stairs. And because she wanted a little room in there and she’s got her blankets and pillows and books and lights, and it’s all very dark when she wants it to be. So when she feels very anxious or angry or frustrated, she now will go off into that little space and be in there for 10, 15, 20 minutes until she feels ready to come out and then she’ll come out and often she’s absolutely fine and feels much more calm. So that’s been a really good thing to have. And I think now I, me recognizing some of the signs of her what she says she doesn’t feel right. We can’t quite pick pinpoint what it is and how she’s feeling. But I will just say to her, “How are you feeling? Are you not feeling right? And we’ll just, she’ll want to cuddle and that kind of will just make her feel a bit more secure and that it’s okay if she’s not feeling okay, we’ll, we’ll deal with it. And I’m sort of here to support her or we’ll find a way to help her to kind of regulate herself, I suppose.
What is the worst thing that has happened to your daughter as a result of ADHD?
I’d probably say, again, it would probably be school’s reaction to her behaviour. And that’s made me the saddest. I think when I’m hearing things that happened at school and friendship groups as well. And the way that some teachers have made her feel, I think that’s been the most difficult thing. Because I, I guess I just expected them to understand and know what to do and certainly to not have teachers make her feel that she’s bad as a person. And I think that’s, that’s the saddest thing. And also, I guess the friendship groups have been a struggle. She’s fallen out with her friends and thankfully they are quite understanding but it’s, it’s made her feel that people don’t like her. So yes, I guess that’s probably the hardest thing.
What is the best thing that has happened to your daughter as a result of ADHD?
I think the best thing for me is that I’ve, I would say I’ve become a better parent to her. Because I’ve have changed the way I parent in order to kind of support her and be more supportive towards her. It’s made me much more patient and and I get, and it’s actually brought us closer together, I think, because I spend although I spent time with her anyway, because I, I knew that she, you know, she wasn’t feeling very good for a while, but we now talk a lot about how she’s feeling. And she, she knows that she can come to me when she is feeling and feeling those, you know, these, we’re not sure she can’t explain what they are at the moment. I think it’s probably anxiety and but yes, it’s brought us closer together, I think. And means I’m spending a lot more one to one time with her and enjoying that time. And we’re kind of exploring all these things together, I guess.